Where Are You?

Tonight, I really miss you. I just wish you were here already. I have been waiting for you. I continue to pray for you. Please don't leave me here waiting much longer. God, please give me the strength to keep waiting. It just gets so hard sometimes. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dW-VoFy49q0

To Whom It May Concern-

By: Civil Wars

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you ought to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh
The way your kisses taste
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do, How I do
I've missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh I missed you
I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently.   

fragile, yet confident. afraid, yet at peace.

A message I sent my friend Jocelyn explaining where I am at right now in my life:

Hey Girl! Yea you heard right- I am leading worship at a church in Lansing. I love it. Everything is already set up for me to move in there once i graduate in December.... I did not see this coming. It all came about after Don and I broke up. I was struggling and on spring break decided I needed to get away and went to visit my cousin Eric in Lansing and went to church. The first night there it reminded me of a family much like at Hanfield with the young adults group. I had been praying to find a group like that- but as I was praying I guess I forgot to clarify that I would like a church near spring arbor so I could go there all the time. I left there that night thinking- if only this church was closer to Spring Arbor I would totally jump in and want to get involved... well little did I know this would be the location for my first every "real" job. I kept praying each week that somehow someway over the weekend I would find my way back to Lansing for church (being that I don't own a car- I was riding on faith to get me there) Each weekend ever since the weekend Don broke up with me- a car was provided through a friend or a friend of a friend without me even asking- and within weeks that pastor drove out to SAU to interview me- and boom By faith I took the job at Real Faith Community Church as their first ever worship leader. I say first ever because this is a church they just started. SO it is growing little by little. What a humbling position to step into, but what a blessing it has been. It's amazing to look back and see how God had been preparing me to do this through leading worship in youth group to leading worship on Saturdays for TFCs to leading worship with Sonshine to leading worship 2 years at covenant hills to leading worship 2 years with wellspring- and a 3rd year on the way- to now stepping into a ministry position at RFCC leading worship. God- WOW! I never imagine going into minsitry alone. It was a journey Don and I were going to take together, but I realize if I were to go on that journey with Don- I would be relying on Don- This job is just me- I have no one! I can only rely on God and God alone. I cannot tell you how amazing that has been. Within these past three months- going through this time of healing in my life has been the most rewarding time spiritually. There have been a lot of tears through this time, and a lot of pain, but God totally used those tears to soften my heart so that it was workable again. I feel so fragile right now, yet I am so confident with where God is taking me. Afraid would be a good word to use to describe where I am at right now, but Im at peace. I have come a long ways with this healing process. I am not ok without Don. I can do this. (that took a long time to get here). Wellspring- yes- I will be doing that again, and the pastor when he hired me knew I would be gone for the summer, he still told me he wanted me and they would have the church covered! Not to worry. I joked that I could maybe skype in or something haha. But anyways- that is a tid bit of my life. It's Crazy what God is doing! 

Isaiah 43:18-19
"Forget the former things; 
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! 
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness 
and streams in the wasteland."


God has been teaching me to let go of things, let go of what was, and focus on what is coming- He truly is bringing in so many new things in this time of pain. Praise God for his faithfulness- he truly takes care of his children.

Uncovering the Wound

God, ugh! What a crazy 2 and a half months it has been. I went from being a Junior in college, excited for a long awaited engagement- to a young women in pieces, yet whole in Christ! I feel like I have hung on to you more then ever before. I feel like our relationship has deepened. There is something so intimate that happens during the healing process. Ya know those times when you get hurt, and you have this wound, and your first reaction is to cover it with your hand and just hold it tight so that it doesn't hurt and it doesn't bleed anymore- and when you are in that deep agonizing pain the last thing you want to do is remove your hand- you just cover it up, apply pressure, and close your eyes and just hope for the pain to pass. There is something beautiful and something so intimate when someone else comes into the picture who wants to help tend to your wound. The initial part where you remove your hand seems to be one of the toughest. God, I feel like that is where we are at in this healing process- I have removed my hand and have let you take a look at this wound. But God, I'm sorry- I can't sit still. Like a child, as soon as you begin to clean my wound and bandage me up, there are times when it stings, and I pull away and I want to cover it up myself again. God I want to be healed- I want to trust you- but God, can't this go any faster? Can't this hurt less? Can't the pain just end? Lord tonight, help me to remove my hand, God tend to my wound. Lord it hurts, but help me to trust you. God I know that healing comes from only you- but Lord- help me to quit being so stubborn. I can't handle this on my own. I have to trust you- I have to. I want to! God help me tonight. It hurts! The pain goes deep, and my heart is heavy. Lord, forgive me for my stubbornness. Steady my heart God. Steady my heart.

Healing Process

This was the last message I recieved from Don by facebook:

Mel, I am not just scanning over this- I have given it a
lot of thought and prayer and have sought out Godly advice. Please don't tell
me how I used to feel- I know how I always have felt. I always just thought it
was how I was suppose to feel being in a relationship but it is not true. And
it's better for you and me if I stop pretending now, and never make a huge
mistake of just committing to you completely and then me never feeling like I
lived my life how I was suppose too. Please stop with the dramatic talk- of
course nothing is being "thrown away" and we are not acting like
"nothing ever happened." this has been good for everyone involved-
your fam, my fam, your friends, my friends.
Please don't argue with me. You're just making it worse.
You brought up those baptism pictures. You don't even know how I felt that day
for real. Remember, I even mentioned to you that something didn't feel right? I
said, naww, it's just the devil or something- but it wasn't. It was just my
true feelings saying that I shouldn't keep going deeper and deeper in the
relationship because I didn't feel good about it. But soo many times i just
kept letting us go deeper and deeper without voicing my true feelings because I
always wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. And for that I am sorry and
I see that I should have been more perceptive of how I was really feeling.
Mel, I do care about you, and I want you to know that I want the best for you.
Mel, it's not me. I can't be want you want, and you can't be what I want. It
goes further than just "trying" and "working hard" at it.
It's different. I'm done Mel. I know when my heart isn't in it anymore. I have
a peace about it- and everyone around me has commented about how I seem so much
more joyful the last month or so. Mel, I'm not going to argue- you know I'm
smart, and you know I don't do anything without seeking the truth. So please
don't question me, and please don't try and manipulate me into staying with
you. Please Mel. I know it's hard for you.

I cannot express in words how hurt I am today. I dont even know where to go next. I am truly heart broken. Don's mother wrote me today and told met that I needed to give Don time, I know she is right. Time is what I need as well. I am struggling with moving forward knowing that I had given so much of myself to Don. I love Don so much, and my heart breaks for him right now. I don't know what he is going through. I wish I understood. I know he's tired, I know he's worn out, and I know that he is in love with the same God I am. God, please hold onto Don. Please hold him through this time. I just want to keep praying him back to me, but God I have to give it to you. I kept trying to call him, I kept trying to message him. I just wanted to control this, I wanted to change Don's mind. We loved each other. I know we did. Don showed me a Jesus love that no one else has ever shown me. He loved me with a selfless and unconditional love. But when he gets up and walks out- I just don't understand what happen. God, please hold Don. Please fill him with you. God, that man has amazing dreams for you, and if I was in the way then God remove me completely. God, my heart is truly broken because all I wanted was Don, and all I wanted was to move towards our dreams together and making you smile while doing it. God, we messed up. We messed up numerous times, and I pray that you can help us heal from those things as we take this time. God I really love Don, and I want more then anything to just wait for him, but God above all else I WANT YOUR WILL for my life and Don's. God, if it is right, weave this back together in your timing. If it is not right- God please break me away from Don, my heart is still wanting him. Im scared God. I admit- I am scared. I have never been this scared in my life. God give me wisdom, give me clarity, and I pray that you will bring healing. Please bring people to support me, please keep me focused on you. All I want is to become the woman of God that you desire me to be. Heal me father. Heal me. And God, please please be with Don during this time. God I surrender this all to you. I am an open wound, bring healing.

Healer, heal me,
Savior, save me
Maker, change me,
Lover, love me
'Cuz I'm so tired of living for
The kind of love that only lasts for a while
The pain, the shame tear me up inside

So I fall on my knees
To get back on my feet again
And I cry out for You
To hear you speak to me

Yes, I fall on my knees
To get back on my feet again
And I run hard for You
To enter Your rest


This is the song I have listened to this morning- These are the words of my heart right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJi_7f1cpbk

I will run to you, cause I know that you are lover of my soul, healer of my scars- you steady my heart.
I'm not gonna worry, I know that you got me, right inside the palm of your hand.

Broken

God, I don't want anyone else other then Don. We have been through three years together. I love him so much. I don't want my life with anyone else. I feel like I gave him my everything, and he never gave it back. I feel empty. God, we were a team. I love him more then anything. My heart is truly broken. I am sick to my somach, and I don't know where to go from here. God We made a commitment, we made a promise. I knew we had to stick this out. I can't keep going. I can't do this. He was my best friend, he was my partner. God, I don't want him to be settled right now. I don't want him to just turn and move on. God, I want him to see what I see. God- You can get us through this. I know you can mend this. God, help us to fall more in love with you, and as we are falling more in love with you, I pray that there will be a new and fresh love that comes between Don and I. God. I am so scared. Please do something. I don't want anyone else God. I don't want anyone else. Please God. Please help me God. I can't do anything.

Don't Worry- This Time My Shoes Were Tied.

32.12 min- I ran for the first time in a year a 5k.
Today is my Still day- I decided to take a run. The weather is perfect fall weather (55 Degrees) and I decided at the start of my run- Today I am going to run a 5k.

Now- to begin- God is a very smart God (I never doubted that- but I just wanted to emphasize that)
I love analogies.
Being that God knows everything- He knows that about me (and being that he is a smart God) He uses analogies in my life to teach me things.
Today I ran a 5k.
Being that God know everything- He know that for a while now, I have wanted to make running a big thing in my life, and being that God knows everything- He knows that for a while now my goal has been to make it up to a 5k.
Well, believe it or not, through my run today- I was the student, and God.... well God does what He always does- He taught me.

A mile for me right now is hard enough. Some days I can't even pull out a half mile.
But today- I set my goal, and as I ran there were times when it was really easy and the goal seemed very attainable... but then again there were (even more) times when I thought to myself- This isn't going to happen.
How did I do it then?
Well first of all- my body (not bragging, just saying) my body is strong- it could handle a 5k- not saying easily, but I am strong enough that I have always been able to do it, it's just all the in betweens that can hold me back at times- (Example: it's too hot, I feel sick, my feet hurt, my hips hurt, Shoot- I have another cramp, I don't feel like it, I'm soar, I'm not some amazing runner anyways, I am not enjoying myself right now).
So basically, my body could always handle it, but it was always just really hard to do.
Then how did I get through the tough spots today? How did I make it?
Well.... I thought first of all about the end and how good it would feel to complete "the race." If that isn't enough motivation, I don't know what was. It's a huge accomplishment for me personally to run a 5k. It's always a goal of mine- I've done it before, but that doesnt mean the next time I go to do it- it's just going to be really easy. But the thought of finishing kept me going. Secondly, I didn't focus all of my attention on my feet hurting, or my cramp- I just thought about the end and I thought about God and just what he is doing right now and how I just want to live for him. (my previous post points out the fact that today I threw up my white flag) I just thought a lot about what that means in my life. Then I focused on breaking down my run- getting to the next mailbox, getting to the end of the road, getting around this turn, getting over this hill. Right here, right now, the obstacle I am getting through at that moment.
As soon as I passed the finish line (passed my mailbox) and I had finished my 5k- it was the best feeling I have had in so long. I felt so good, and those momentary troubles- they didn't matter anymore- at one point they were rocks in the road for me, and they were in my way and it was tough to run over them at times, but in the end, when you take all those rocks and all of those momentary troubles you have for your self a pile of rocks that now is your podium, and is now what pushes you up higher then you were before- and guess what? You are thankful for each one of those rocks- because look where you are now!

What anaolgy is there is all this- it's obvious, but let me explain it in comparison with my life right at this very moment in time.
A mile was hard enough for me, sometimes even 2 mins of running was difficult.
A semester is hard enough for me, sometimes even one day or one class or one paper.
A semester is hard enough. I'm tired of the aching cramps that are hard and at times seem impossible to run with. Im tired of aching and missing Don, its hard to keep going without my best friend, and many times it feels impossible.
I'm not a runner anyways and there is no reason for me to be running- I'm not on any cross country team or anything- so I really don't HAVE TO- likewise, college? Many days I don't see the point for me, it's not what I want to do anyways, but at the end of the race I feel "healthier" I'm more in shape, and I have that pile of rocks to stand on that push me up farther then where I was before. At the end of this semester, at the end of college, at the end of whatever- I am in much better shape and am now prepared for whatever else is next, and I have with me that pile of rocks that continues to push me ahead.

So....... With that- I have a race to run, my shoes will be tied this time. But Fall Semester 2011 at Spring Arbor University- Here I come.... tomorrow.
God- I'm running this one for you. HELP ME!!! I'm scared. I know this is going to be hard. But you my God, provide for me my daily bread- that is ALL THAT I NEED. Lord, now comes the craziness. Help me to get ready for tomorrow. I don't know what to do. AH!!!!!
God, help me hold tight to you. Guide me. Help me to get to the next mailbox, help me to get to the end of the road, help me to keep my eyes on the prize. Push me, help me, enable me.
I love you God.

You take one shoes lace with one hand and then........

"Bunny Ears, Bunny Ears,

Playing by a Tree

Try to catch me

Bunny Ears, Bunny Ears,

Jumped into a Hole

Popped out on the other side

Beautiful and bold."

...then......PULL TIGHT......and there you have a perfectly tied shoe :)

My shoes are tied- and I'm at the starting line- This time, I think I'm ready.
And with one pull of the trigger.....

BANG!!!!!

The Race Has Begun.......The Finish Line Awaits.

On This Day- The White Flag is Raised.

He has given me today- this daily bread. God gave me the still today. The opportunity to be still. Yesterday, I didn't go to school- like I was suppose to- like I said- I was not ready. I'm standing at a fork in the road. I have 2 clear choices in front of me- To return or not to return. I'm just confused and I am torn. Today is the day, and I feel like God has given me a still moment. He has lifted off my shoulders the confusion of yesterday and the stress of returning and has given me this frozen moment in time- to stop and just spend some time asking Him what to do.
I'm scared right now. I don't know what I am doing? I just can't think it feels like, and I'm tired.

God, thank you for the stillness, thank you for the peace today. God, today I ask that you give me clear and obvious directing. I pray that I can listen, I pray that I can seek you, I pray that I can have the strength to push all esle aside.
God, I am listening. Lord. Speak to me today. Give me a peace. Prepare me today God. Prepare me.
I asked that you bring renewal to my broken heart. I ask that you restore me.
God I want to be consecrated for you. Lord, I really do honestly want to go in the direction that YOU are calling me to. Lord, I'm scared to say this, I don't want to- but God- I pray that you help me to surrender what I want to do. It is not about me, it's about you. That's the way it should be, that's not the way it has been. God- renew me. Cleanse me today, and start over in me. Prepare me to go in the direction that you want. God, you know what I want- you know the desires of my heart. You know that I am struggling. But God, help ME to know and to TRUST that you ALSO are the ONLY ONE, who KNOWS what I need- and God, Help me to be reminded that YOU ARE PROVIDING EXACTLY WHAT I NEED. God. Today I raise up my white flag. I give up this battle I have had with you- the keys are yours- I want you to drive.
God. I surrender.
Here I am, Your Servant, I am listening. God Speak to me.