Healing Process

This was the last message I recieved from Don by facebook:

Mel, I am not just scanning over this- I have given it a
lot of thought and prayer and have sought out Godly advice. Please don't tell
me how I used to feel- I know how I always have felt. I always just thought it
was how I was suppose to feel being in a relationship but it is not true. And
it's better for you and me if I stop pretending now, and never make a huge
mistake of just committing to you completely and then me never feeling like I
lived my life how I was suppose too. Please stop with the dramatic talk- of
course nothing is being "thrown away" and we are not acting like
"nothing ever happened." this has been good for everyone involved-
your fam, my fam, your friends, my friends.
Please don't argue with me. You're just making it worse.
You brought up those baptism pictures. You don't even know how I felt that day
for real. Remember, I even mentioned to you that something didn't feel right? I
said, naww, it's just the devil or something- but it wasn't. It was just my
true feelings saying that I shouldn't keep going deeper and deeper in the
relationship because I didn't feel good about it. But soo many times i just
kept letting us go deeper and deeper without voicing my true feelings because I
always wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. And for that I am sorry and
I see that I should have been more perceptive of how I was really feeling.
Mel, I do care about you, and I want you to know that I want the best for you.
Mel, it's not me. I can't be want you want, and you can't be what I want. It
goes further than just "trying" and "working hard" at it.
It's different. I'm done Mel. I know when my heart isn't in it anymore. I have
a peace about it- and everyone around me has commented about how I seem so much
more joyful the last month or so. Mel, I'm not going to argue- you know I'm
smart, and you know I don't do anything without seeking the truth. So please
don't question me, and please don't try and manipulate me into staying with
you. Please Mel. I know it's hard for you.

I cannot express in words how hurt I am today. I dont even know where to go next. I am truly heart broken. Don's mother wrote me today and told met that I needed to give Don time, I know she is right. Time is what I need as well. I am struggling with moving forward knowing that I had given so much of myself to Don. I love Don so much, and my heart breaks for him right now. I don't know what he is going through. I wish I understood. I know he's tired, I know he's worn out, and I know that he is in love with the same God I am. God, please hold onto Don. Please hold him through this time. I just want to keep praying him back to me, but God I have to give it to you. I kept trying to call him, I kept trying to message him. I just wanted to control this, I wanted to change Don's mind. We loved each other. I know we did. Don showed me a Jesus love that no one else has ever shown me. He loved me with a selfless and unconditional love. But when he gets up and walks out- I just don't understand what happen. God, please hold Don. Please fill him with you. God, that man has amazing dreams for you, and if I was in the way then God remove me completely. God, my heart is truly broken because all I wanted was Don, and all I wanted was to move towards our dreams together and making you smile while doing it. God, we messed up. We messed up numerous times, and I pray that you can help us heal from those things as we take this time. God I really love Don, and I want more then anything to just wait for him, but God above all else I WANT YOUR WILL for my life and Don's. God, if it is right, weave this back together in your timing. If it is not right- God please break me away from Don, my heart is still wanting him. Im scared God. I admit- I am scared. I have never been this scared in my life. God give me wisdom, give me clarity, and I pray that you will bring healing. Please bring people to support me, please keep me focused on you. All I want is to become the woman of God that you desire me to be. Heal me father. Heal me. And God, please please be with Don during this time. God I surrender this all to you. I am an open wound, bring healing.

Healer, heal me,
Savior, save me
Maker, change me,
Lover, love me
'Cuz I'm so tired of living for
The kind of love that only lasts for a while
The pain, the shame tear me up inside

So I fall on my knees
To get back on my feet again
And I cry out for You
To hear you speak to me

Yes, I fall on my knees
To get back on my feet again
And I run hard for You
To enter Your rest


This is the song I have listened to this morning- These are the words of my heart right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJi_7f1cpbk

I will run to you, cause I know that you are lover of my soul, healer of my scars- you steady my heart.
I'm not gonna worry, I know that you got me, right inside the palm of your hand.

Broken

God, I don't want anyone else other then Don. We have been through three years together. I love him so much. I don't want my life with anyone else. I feel like I gave him my everything, and he never gave it back. I feel empty. God, we were a team. I love him more then anything. My heart is truly broken. I am sick to my somach, and I don't know where to go from here. God We made a commitment, we made a promise. I knew we had to stick this out. I can't keep going. I can't do this. He was my best friend, he was my partner. God, I don't want him to be settled right now. I don't want him to just turn and move on. God, I want him to see what I see. God- You can get us through this. I know you can mend this. God, help us to fall more in love with you, and as we are falling more in love with you, I pray that there will be a new and fresh love that comes between Don and I. God. I am so scared. Please do something. I don't want anyone else God. I don't want anyone else. Please God. Please help me God. I can't do anything.